i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
