I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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