I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thus making me awesome and them whores
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
