I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
