sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
