who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
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