Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
