is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
