I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
