I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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