farters have to be the big spoon...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
