I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
