I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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