so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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