Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
