Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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