Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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