The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
