I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
