You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I met the friendliest cop last night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
