I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
