i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
