Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
