I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
