I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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