My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
