you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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