dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize