just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
