Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Found the puke drawer
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
