tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
