Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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