I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think im going to throw up on grandma
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
