Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
