I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
