Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
