"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
As shirtless as possible
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Randomize
