Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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