My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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