There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
