i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
