He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
