I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
