Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
