so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
