I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize