I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
