I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I deserve this hangover.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
