dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
