It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
