I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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