So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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