Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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