she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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