homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
