DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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