her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
