Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
